I have a mindset coach, because I feel the work I do on myself and my self-care, means that a better version of me shows up for those people who come to my classes and attend my sessions.

And last week my mindset session was about talking and listening.

How often do we find ourselves in situations where we feel intimidated, or we have self-doubt, lacking in confidence about our thoughts, feelings, and what we want to say?  I know that this is something that has followed me around in my life. Often I have felt, particularly in social situations, and also in work situations, that I don’t have anything interesting to say, so I don’t say anything. I might head into a situation thinking that I have something to contribute, but previous experiences might make me feel that whatever I have to say will be considered not important, or incorrect.

In these situations, what tends to happen with me is my brain jumps in and I become defensive, and I actually stop listening, spending the time thinking about what I believe they are saying and not what they are actually saying. My self-doubt grows, my confidence leaves by the back door, and then when I do speak my language is justifying and defensive rather than sharing and openly discussing.

My coach used this quote:

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak

Epictetus

She is encouraging me to actually listen. I have always thought I am a good listener, but I do think that when I head into a situation that has felt threatening in the past, my expectations are that it will be a repeat of the same, and I will come away not having spoken my truth, or feeling like ‘my truth’ is wrong and not worth mentioning. I will then feel frustrated and angry and defensive.

Instead of feeling like this, my language can change, both to myself and when I am entering those situations. I will be thankful to others sharing their opinions, knowledge, experience, and listen to them. The change then comes in training my brain to replace defensive with curious and thankful for what they are saying, really listening and being open, and recognising that I am also able to share, encouraging others to listen without judgement.

As ever it is a work in progress with my mindset, and I am sure I share this with many others here. Remember two ears, one mouth …  let me know if you have felt the same and if what I have written about here may be helpful.