Exploring the "Why" Behind People-Pleasing
So here’s a question for you, why do we say yes when every part of us is screaming no?
If you are a fellow people-pleaser, let's think about where it comes from... It's much more than simply being nice. That’s not to say it
isn’t coming from a good place — we genuinely want to help — but sometimes, there’s a hidden fear driving our decisions.
Here are some thoughts that run through my head:
- If I say no, they’ll think I’m selfish or unreliable
- I don’t want to disappoint them — it feels awful
- What if they stop liking me? Or worse, don’t invite me next time?
If this sounds familiar, here’s the problem about saying
yes if we are saying it through fear... it’s unlikely to end well. It will feel like we are dragging ourselves through another obligation, possibly feeling a bit resentful for saying yes, and there will be nothing joyful about being there.
We then have to deal with the ‘hangover’ of saying yes, there is always an aftermath of overcommitting. For example — helping out at a Christmas fair, teaching an extra Pilates class, and organising a family meal all on
the same day (…classic me!). By the time it’s over, I’m collapsed on the sofa, trying to reconcile when and how I became my own worst enemy.
You see, the symptoms of saying yes to everything are:
- exhaustion that can hit like a ton of bricks
- frustration bubbling just below the surface — usually directed at myself
- a horrible sense of overwhelm that then makes even the simple tasks feel monumental
And the worst part? This Yes
Hangover doesn’t just affect you. It ripples out, draining your energy for the things you actually care about.
So this is what I am working on and I’m sharing it with you — a reframe: every time you say no, you’re actually saying yes — to rest, to joy, to being fully present for what matters most. Because a well-rested, centred you is so much better than a burned-out, overcommitted version.
Because here’s the truth which we often
forget: people value you for who you are, not just what you do. And saying no doesn’t make you any less kind or likeable — it makes you human. If anything, people respect honesty far more than a half-hearted yes.
Next time you are invited, asked to help, thinking about organising, doing extra — take a pause, check in with how it makes you feel, then decide Yes or No, not this time — and recognise the honesty and value you are giving yourself and
everyone around you.
Have a great week everyone, keep looking, moving and feeling good.
With love
Jane xxx
