So rules is rules…
We all have them: our own little set of rules for how life should be lived, like turning up at the time you arranged, or even as Keith and I watched Race Across the World and one of the couples ran short in cash for their ferry tickets, another team who were going on the same ferry refused to sub them the extra.
Keith was disappointed with the couple who had refused to help out, and said that it wouldn’t sit well with him if he had done that — Keith has his own set of rules, this couple didn’t share them as they have their own set of rules which in this case is win at all cost. They are the kind of rules that are not written down, there is not a manual, but somewhere along the way, we decided what matters, what feels right, what we stand for.
There are the classic rules — be
kind, be generous, be on time, check in on people, say please and thank you. Some go a bit deeper, such as do what you say you will do. All of them become part of who we are, so much so, we don’t even think of them as rules anymore, just the way things are done, possibly the way things should be done.
But this is where it gets interesting. Without realising it we start to believe that everyone else is playing by the same
rulebook, so when someone doesn’t respond the way we would eg, like the couple in Race Across the World and Keith, it can feel confusing at best, hurtful at worst. It can be when someone doesn’t show the same care, the same thoughtfulness, the same effort, and when this happens it feels very disappointing, because in your world, that behaviour just doesn’t make sense. But the truth is they aren’t breaking the rules, they just follow a different set, a set of their own. Understanding
this can be quite a shift, quite difficult to understand and lead to a feeling of being let down.
What it shouldn’t do is make you lower your standards or stop being who you are, because your rules, your kindness, your generosity, your way of showing up are a reflection of you. Dealing with those rule breakers and the feelings that they cause, is all to do with the expectations that we hold, the expectations that others will meet your rules in
exactly the same way. You need to loosen these expectations and learn acceptance. If you can do that, something happens, less disappointment, less frustration, less of carrying the weight of why don’t they just …? And instead, more space is created — space for understanding, space for difference, space for people to be who they are, just as you are being who you are.
As Pilates and movement coaches we have to learn this, and particularly with Pilates we aren’t asking
everyone to move in exactly the same way. We meet each body where it is, on that day, in that moment, with it’s own history, it’s own needs, and it’s own rules. There is no forcing, no comparing, no expectations that one way fits all, but an awareness, an understanding, acceptance, and patience.
We can take this out into the rest of life, allow people to move through the world in their own way, but honour the way we choose to move through ours, and if nothing else, we
always have our space on our mat — where your way is welcome, your pace is enough, and you don’t have to follow anyone else’s rulebook but your own. Because the real rule is staying true to what matters to you, but don’t assume it’s the same for everyone else.
Have a good week everyone — keep looking, moving, and feeling good.
With love and support,
Jane xxx
